Happy Women’s Day

I have often been asked in the past few years about the number of chicks I have managed to woo or the number of chicks who have managed to woo me. I have always avoided answering such queries and when I do respond to them with a honest-”none”, I receive a good lot of banter. Let me elucidate to all or rather any one eager to know my “chick-count” , that it is indeed “zero”.Period.

Now to the reasons behind this unsuccessful part of my life (that is if you consider it so). Women have always been a mystery to me or may be it is the other way round. I have men all around me successfully practicing their courting skills, while I am still figuring out “How do they do that?”

On not contemplating much and more by osmosis I have come up with a few reasons that contribute to my failure as a suitor.

1. Lack of female interaction.

I am from a co-ed school, but there were no girls in my class.(Not a good enough reason since there are many coming from ‘boys-only’ schools.)

I never went to Junior College, that is I never attended any lectures. And vegetated at a gaming parlour, where the odds in favour of interacting with a female are always the same-”zero”.

There was never a female two numbers before or after on the roll call of any list that I was part of. My project or practical groups always consist of  only males. Again, enough reason to lessen my chances of interacting with the fairer sex.

All the women in my building are at least in their late 30s and there is none younger than me. No luck here as well.

I have never been to any social gatherings where distant relatives introduce me to their daughters and give me the opportunity to strike a conversation. (This indeed happens. I know at least a bunch of people who attend social functions for this particular outcome.)

2. I don’t use the word “Cute”.

There are successful courters who find everything “cute”. The sight of a half-dead animal  or an irritated toddler makes them remove their cell-cum-camera and go “khachang”. And then along with a hoard of females they would go nuts over the pictures and with a false grin shout “So Cute,So Cute” thinking that the entire neighbourhood  envies them.

It is not that I hate kids or animals but why bother them.  It is as if you are a news reporter in search of a story and click pictures to create one so that you could seek attention.

3. I don’t pay any attention to my attire.

This came to light when a female friend of mine once told me that wearing Manchester United merchandise turns “devotchkas” (The Clockwork Orange lingo for good-looking females)off. But my love for football and Manchester United in particular is too much to give that up.

4. I have never changed my hairstyle since birth.

An interesting fact that I have noticed is that the most successful swains always, often mess up their hair and the ladies love to play with them.

5. I have never played the “slapping” or “wrist twist” game with any girls.

The game is simple. You slap her. She slaps you back. You twist her wrist. She slaps you back. The objective of the game-not known.

I would rather exchange wwe moves. At least there is a winner at the end.

6. I am not good at coding or for the fact,any practical stuff related to computer engineering subjects at all.

The point here is if you know something like that you will always be surrounded with chics though maybe only for the sake of using your knowledge, because they are always in a problem when it comes to machines. But still you have a lot of female attention and they have to be good to you to learn from you.

7. I am not funny enough.

The good wooers are always blessed with a sense of humor as good as Paul Adams’ bowling action. I cannot comprehend any of them.

The women around them are always burbling with laughter. I believe they are either crazy or in a stupor.

8. And finally but most importantly. I suffer from “attention-paying deficiency”.

If you are beautiful, I will look at you, may be stare at you. But I won’t come up to you and tell you that “I would have married you straight away only if  I didn’t have an assembler to code right now.” And that is where the problem lies. Most of the females would take that for an insult and tell me that “You do not pay attention to details” while the only thing they want me to pay attention to is them.I would know that it is “Women’s Day”, but I won’t go around wishing every woman I meet, as if she’s just beaten Serena Williams in a three setter. The concept itself is a complete farce but then again comes the question of  ”Paying attention to details”.

Let me clear this for once and all, that I pay attention only if you are Sachin Tendulkar and batting or you are Manchester United and playing football. I have the highest regard for details in such cases only.

Whatever else may be adding to the failure of my wooing skills, the major reason is that I have never felt the need to practise them till date. If I ever feel the need to woo somebody, I would surely not go around “Cuting” eveything I come across, imitate Lasith Malinga’s hairstyle, stop wearing Man United jerseys, learn all possible coding languages, slap people around, crack lame “wisecracks” or flatter people by telling them “You are more beautiful than Miss Sierra Leone”.

The day I unravel the mystery named “Woman”, you will find me adding unconventional ways of successful courting to the above list. And when that does happen I would go around wishing all women a “Happy Women’s Day”.